At times, often times, I feel my emotions are too large to contain, yet too nebulous to be productive because my thoughts and words are too small.
I have a desire to convey the truth, the reality about myself in the hope that by expressing a truth about myself I will achieve and commune with something universal. That I will, in even the most minuscule and fleeting of connections, align with Ralph Waldo Emerson and John Keats and reach something poetic and significant. Something that is true for forever, and so it is worth knowing and sharing because it will intrinsically speak to all of humanity, past and present, and meet and fulfill the entire ideal of canonization. I know, is there anything, really, that speaks to all of humanity? Really? Let's hope there is, and assume it's possible for someone alive today to connect with it.
Yet. Yet, I too often feel that my fear about making too little income, about living in the life I made for myself, trapped in a place of capitalization and bills and feelings of guilt for living beneath my potential, for trying to reach and live for God, but in believing that in my own effort I defeat myself because the instruction is to release and let go, so that effort is self-defeating (?) but not? To surrender my own control in my life, and to trust, to have faith that a greater power will care for me, for my daily needs and for my greater destiny. The fear is stifling, but not?
But it is hard. It feels deeply antithetical to attempt to detach myself from my own ends. I feel the need to try, but feel sluggish and barred down by a laziness fueled by the worst parts of myself. How can I, could I, overcome these erupted-of-the-self negative qualities, like the tumor inside the frog in Pan's Labyrinth, without exuding extreme effort? How can I be the best I can be without controlling my behavior, without pushing myself? This is not letting go.
Why, one might ask, is it worth letting go at all then? The concept of surrender is mirrored in many philosophies. The mighty Om of Hinduism, right? Om, I have a twinkie. Om, I do not have a twinkie. Detachment, do your dharma (your duty) and nothing more or less, let go of desire either way, and through this you will find contentment. In the Bible, surrendering to God and the grace he provides through Jesus is the only way receive eternal life, accepting that it is the holy sacrifice that makes anything, including you, good, and it is a difficult concept to accept. How can I be good without doing anything? Especially when I'm told there's no way I'm intrinsically good, not all the way through. If I'm not good, they how am I worth anything? Thanks God, I appreciate the sentiment of grace, but I don't want to be a pity-case. Especially in contemporary America - your worth is determined primarily by what you accomplish, whether that's in the work force and how much money you make, or by how many random acts of kindness you get through. Not to suggest that any of this is not significant, it's just that we shouldn't, and it's difficult not to, place our identity there. Again, how to let go?
How to be happy in the face of the unknown, in the company of littling masses, to have faith without it acting as the opium for the masses meaning me? Because faith is only a tiny bit about you, if you believe it.
And in the meantime, Here I Am. Sitting, unwashed, literally far from home, trying to create my life, which is the culmination of daily experiences, behaviors and decisions. Hoping I will rise from the daily drum of the unintellectual, again feeling guilty for feeling so unsatisfied knowing full-well there are millions out there in far worse positions, who don't have even the luxury of existential strife because the difficulties of each day are preoccupying and overwhelming. Quit your complaining, girl.
I know I can't see the expanse while standing, being in it. Telling myself it is important to be here, present in order to go there and climb the alpine path. Depending on hope, but worrying if I lean too heavily on hope, I may cease working in my daily life where the energy required to achieve - is alive, in the only place it is available - Here And Now. Worrying I will be let down, by myself.
Wanting to think, and dream, and to be better, but afraid of fallowing and failing along the journey.
I suspect the answer, as the answer almost always is, in my opinion, is something like existing in the adage, "All things in moderation." Embracing a duality that does not fight, but combines together, each side reinforcing the other. But perhaps that is life? Or mine, at least. Determining, little by little, that process of balancing one's daily physical life, needs, and even slothful inclinations, one's sins, with what Western literature and philosophy called ... the pursuit of Truth, Beauty, and Love?
And I know, I have been taught and believe in the truth of a higher power, a being who will provide and on whom you can depend. But, always but, it is frightening, it is risky to trust. A wise person told me that this very struggle, to let go and depend, is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
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Reality check: I do pay my bills, I do need to shower, and all things considered, I'm fine.
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